Practice makes perfect

Updated: Dec 21, 2018

When I say this year has been chaos, I feel like I’m lying because it’s such an understatement. And I know I’m not alone—from what I can tell, it’s been a veritable hellscape for most of us. My list of chaotic life events includes (in no particular order): ruining the relationship of my dreams (and his)—I’m talking blowtorch—with my previously unexamined shadow perfectionism and repressed trauma; being permanently thrown out of my house by my roommate while he was in the throws of a ketamine-and-cocaine-induced paranoid hallucination; my car’s clutch exploding whilst driving 80 on the highway two hours from familiar territory; being fired from the most well-suited job I’d ever had before I even started, not being paid for the six months of remote work I’d already done on the job, and then being gaslit by my boss for not “manifesting” enough business for him; being arrested for a seven years old arrest warrant (of which I knew nothing) for a minor traffic ticket and spending a day in jail; learning I was pregnant with an unplanned—and very much protected AGAINST—kid while in a foreign country where I had no health insurance, a revelation which prompted an emergency surgery which turned out to be unnecessary, waking up from said surgery still pregnant, going through a very intense process about whether or not I should keep my child, only to have a miscarriage two days before the doctors were going to give me a D&C because, as it turned out, the pregnancy wasn’t viable after all.

That’s not to say it hasn’t been astoundingly perfect, mind you. Just wild beyond belief.

There have been some good chaos things, too, like quitting cigarettes, shifting my focus in a major way from nihilistic partying to purpose-driven soul work, finishing my master's degree, moving to Zurich to pursue advanced training in my life’s calling, beginning a magically creative and impactful embodiment project with people I cherish deeply, lining up successful writing and teaching work for myself (which was a career change, to say the least), and generally just becoming psychologically, physically, mentally, and sexually healthier. But even good change causes stress, as the Stressful Life Experiences studies show us (getting a promotion, moving in with a partner, or changing life habits, while all potentially positive developments, still score on a stress index). Add to this rather comically woebegotten list of major life events all the minor daily ups and downs of being a sensitive human with a tendency toward over-thinking, and you can start to understand how “this year has been chaos” could be an understatement.